Thinking About Therapy? What It Is and What You Need to Know
By: Brooke Parker, MS, NCC
Therapy gets a lot of mixed reviews in today’s culture. There are a plethora of examples of therapy in pop culture, ranging from Shrinking and In Treatment’s portrayal of boundaryless clinicians who are there for their clients 24/7, to therapy being a place that the evil supervillain is dragged to at the end of the movie. Even the way people talk about therapy is different. Some people whisper about it with worried glances, hoping that no one overhears them, while others proudly give a last-session recap to their friends during their next night out.
But what actually is therapy if it’s not only for evil supervillains—or if your therapist isn’t replying to your texts at all hours of the day?
The actual answer is a very annoying, yet very true sentiment in the field: it depends.
Every therapist is different and has different ideologies about how change happens and how they should show up in the room to help guide you through that change.
“It depends” is not a get-out-of-jail-free card, though. There are some key tenets that make up the therapeutic process: client autonomy, boundaries, skills, challenging, and maintenance.
Client Autonomy
The most important thing you need to know as a foundational piece of the therapeutic process is that sharing is on your terms. When, what, and how you share is entirely up to you. This is nonnegotiable in creating a space where you can share.
A therapist’s role in this part of the process is ensuring that you know that you’re in control, explaining the limits of confidentiality, and affirming your experiences.
Client autonomy isn’t just the therapist’s job, though. It also means that you are the one in control outside of the therapy room. Responsibility for trying out new skills, completing “homework,” and processing your emotions is part of how you grow.
One hour a week out of the 168 hours that make up a week can only do so much. The client is in charge of what to do with the rest of those hours.
Therapy can help you figure out how to grow outside of that room, but it cannot make you grow.
Boundaries
In TV shows, movies, and books alike, the protagonist seems to be able to text or call their therapist at all hours of the day. In reality, therapist and client being available to one another 24/7 is rarely an example of healthy therapeutic boundaries.
Some therapeutic approaches or programs may include between-session contact or coaching, but this is not universal. Most of the time, there are boundaries that are essential to keeping the therapeutic relationship safe, professional, and client-focused.
Time Limits
It is your therapist’s job to let you know how long a session will be—typically somewhere between 45 and 60 minutes—and to maintain that structure consistently.
It may seem cold when your therapist ends a session in the middle of a difficult topic, but clear time boundaries give you both predictable expectations. Therapy provides a defined space for difficult emotions rather than allowing sessions to become overwhelming or unstructured.
It also models something important: boundaries can exist alongside care, connection, and empathy. In fact, healthy boundaries are an integral part of healthy relationships.
The ending of a session can also be just as important as the rest of the session. It is a time to slow down, check in, summarize what you have discussed, identify key takeaways, and make a plan for what happens next.
Communication
Sometimes, your therapist may say something that you dislike, disagree with, or believe to be untrue. It is okay to tell them.
In fact, communicating when your therapist has hurt, frustrated, or misunderstood you can strengthen the therapeutic alliance. It can be scary and intimidating, especially if you have experienced relationships where disagreement led to anger, rejection, or punishment.
A good therapist should not become defensive or punish you for sharing your experience. Instead, moments of
disagreement can become an opportunity to demonstrate that conflict does not always have to end in anger, rejection, or abandonment.
Communication boundaries outside of sessions are important, too. Your therapist should make it clear when and how they can be contacted, what kinds of concerns are appropriate to communicate between sessions, and when you can expect a response.
Having a consistent framework creates predictability and stability. It also reinforces the idea that a delayed response does not automatically mean rejection or abandonment.
Therapy is ultimately about helping you develop the ability to navigate life outside of the therapy room. Learning to sit with an uncomfortable experience, reflect on it, problem-solve, and come to your own conclusions can be much more meaningful than having your therapist tell you what to do every time something goes wrong.
There are, of course, caveats to this. Therapy is not an emergency service. If you are experiencing an emergency or are in immediate danger, contact an appropriate crisis resource, such as 988, or go to your local emergency
department.
Self-Disclosure
You may notice that your therapist doesn’t share everything about themselves. This is intentional.
Therapy is designed to keep the focus on you, not your therapist. Too much personal disclosure can shift the relationship toward something that feels more like a friendship, and that is not the purpose of therapy.
Therapy is a place where you should be able to share what you want without worrying about managing your therapist’s feelings or experiences. Knowing too much about your therapist may sometimes make that more difficult.
That does not mean you can’t know anything about your therapist. Many therapists share small, personal details throughout the therapeutic relationship when they believe doing so serves a therapeutic purpose.
The important distinction is who the disclosure is for.
If your therapist is regularly venting to you, asking you to take care of their emotions, or making the relationship feel like a friendship rather than therapy, that is a different story.
Your therapist’s life should not become something you have to manage.
Skills
When you’re a kid, you go to school to learn all sorts of things: how to do math, read and analyze a book, understand world history, and the list goes on.
These classes are intended to help you become well-rounded, functioning members of society, to give you skills for communicating with others, and to build on those skills in the workforce and other areas of life.
But there was never a class on how to recognize your emotions, how to sit with a feeling, or what to do after a traumatic event.
There was never a class on how to love and accept yourself.
In many ways, that is what therapy can be.
It can seem annoying—or stereotypical—to constantly be asked, “How does that make you feel?” or “Where do you feel that in your body?” or even “What does that mean to you?”
But the real purpose behind those questions is to discover, well, what it means to you.
Two people can experience the exact same event and walk away with completely different feelings, interpretations, and responses.
Identifying emotions is a skill. Being able to tolerate and process an emotion is another skill. Understanding why you are experiencing that emotion is another.
Part of therapy is looking at your past experiences, piecing them together, and figuring out what to do with what you have learned.
How do you experience and move through debilitating grief?
How do you function during the day when faced with something distressing?
How do you respond when someone yells at you?
What do you do when someone crosses a boundary?
How do you recognize when an old pattern is showing up again?
These are the kinds of skills you can develop in therapy.
It is one thing to talk about your emotions. It is another thing entirely to feel them, understand them, and know what to do with them.
Challenging
I wrote earlier that it is the therapist’s job to affirm you and your experiences.
Yet it is also their job to challenge you.
This does not mean that your therapist should invalidate your experiences. Challenging can look like highlighting contradictions, questioning old beliefs, identifying patterns, challenging maladaptive behaviors as they happen in session, or addressing avoidance.
Being challenged by your therapist is rarely comfortable. Sometimes it can even feel like a “Gotcha!” moment.
But a good therapeutic challenge is not intended to shame or harm you. It is intended to help you notice something that may be keeping you stuck.
And sometimes, the person who knows you best is the person who has the most difficulty seeing their own patterns.
That is part of why another perspective can be so valuable.
This is one of the harder parts of therapy, but without some willingness to be challenged, it can be extremely difficult to grow and change in the ways we want to.
Maintenance
Many people worry that once they start therapy, they’ll have to do it for the rest of their lives.
That is not necessarily the case.
The goal of therapy is not to create a client who needs their therapist forever. Ideally, therapy helps you develop an emotional and relational skill set that you can carry with you outside of the therapy room.
Once you feel confident utilizing those skills—or once you decide that therapy is no longer meeting your needs—you can choose to end the therapeutic relationship.
Some people may return to therapy during particularly difficult seasons of life. Others may choose to stay in therapy long-term because they find value in having an outside person to talk with and a consistent space for reflection.
Ultimately, it’s up to you.
Therapy is not about becoming someone who never struggles.
It is about becoming someone who has more tools for when you do.
About the Author
Brooke Parker (MS, NCC) is a pre-licensed counselor who work with teens, adults, and athletes in individual counseling. Her specialties include trauma, loss, disordered eating, relationship concerns, & challenges related to performance & achievement. Through the counseling relationship, she help clients build resilience, strengthen relationships, & reconnect with self. Want to work with Brooke as your therapist?
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