Understanding Sexual Behaviors and Sexual Difficulties: A Humanistic Approach to Sexual Well-being
By: Zeliha Subasi, PhD
Sexuality is one of the most basic parts of what it means to be human, but a great
many people have questions about it such as:
Am I normal?
Why have I lost the desire for sexual intercourse?
Why isn't my body reacting as I expect it to?
Why do my partner and I want different things?
Is there something wrong with me?
Regarding sexuality, instead of posing those questions, I find it better to start the
conversation with my client by asking: What does your sexual experience have to
say to us?
A fundamental truth regarding sexuality is that sexual behaviors are never separate
from the rest of our lives; desire, arousal, intimacy, avoidance, pleasure, and sexual
functioning can all be affected by our relationships, our physical health, our level of
stress, past experiences, cultural messages, our beliefs about our bodies, our life
stage, our sense of emotional safety, and the meanings we have assigned to
sexuality.
For example, the problem faced by a person who has low sexual desire might not be
merely a desire problem. They may be physically drained, might be feeling
emotionally disconnected from their partner, might be under pressure to perform,
might be uncomfortable with their own body, might be influenced by medications or
hormonal changes, or might have unresolved concerns about intimacy. In some
cases, the difficulty does not lie in the lack of sex itself but in the circumstances
surrounding sex; that is one of the reasons why I take a humanistic and functional
approach to the treatment of sexual problems.
In functional sex therapy it is not the case of immediately marking the person as
dysfunctional but instead attention is given to what actually takes place during the
sexual experience. The therapy looks at things like desire, arousal, the physical
response, orgasm, any pain or discomfort, satisfaction, communication, the dynamics of the relationship, and the circumstances in which the problems occur. It also assesses biological, psychological, relational and contextual factors.
Sexual difficulties can include problems such as:
a low level of desire or a mismatch between partners desires
difficulty in becoming or remaining aroused
erectile problems
difficulty in reaching an orgasm
premature or delayed ejaculation
pain during sexual activity
avoidance of intimacy
performance anxiety
a feeling of emotional disconnection during sexual intercourse.
Yet these symptoms are only part of the story.
Looking at things from an existential point of view, sexuality involves fundamental
aspects of existence, such as meaning, freedom, vulnerability, responsibility, and
connection. There are times when, without being aware of it, pleasure, to sexuality in
order to obtain something more than just sexual pleasure, for example, reassurance
that we are desired, relief from feelings of loneliness, confirmation that our partner
still loves us, a sense of control, or a way of escaping from difficult emotions. Simply
acknowledging these needs does not mean that we should judge them; rather, the
goal is to get a more honest understanding of ourselves and to gain that
understanding.
Our bodies too are a valuable source of information. A great many people have
learned to understand sexuality from an external point of view by concentrating on how
they look, on whether they are carrying out things correctly, or on whether their
partner is satisfied, rather than by paying attention to what they actually feel. In these
cases, intimacy can change from being an experience to becoming a performance.
Therapy can help you to become curious again about your body by asking yourself
questions such as what makes me feel comfortable, what causes tension, and what
makes me feel present, really, in that situation? What does my body welcome
and what does it resist?
Healthy sexuality cannot be determined simply by the frequency with which a person
has sexual intercourse, by the intensity of their desire, or by how their sex
life seems. It involves the capacity to communicate, to act in a mutually respectful
way, to set boundaries, to give and receive consent in a sincere manner, to make
responsible decisions, and to keep a connection with one's own experiences. Sexual
health calls for more than just desire; it also demands safety, honesty, care, and
respect.
The aim is not to have a perfect sex life, but rather one that is something you choose
yourself, truthful, based on an awareness of your body, thoughtful and safe; a kind of
sex life which enables you to get a better understanding of yourself, express your
needs, respect your boundaries, and experience intimacy in a way that is important
to you.
Meet the Author
Zeliha Subasi, PhD
Zeliha, or as her clients sometimes call her, Dr. Leah, helps adults and couples navigate sexuality, anxiety, depression, relationship challenges, identity, life transitions, and the emotional impact of immigration through compassionate, culturally responsive, and evidence-based therapy.
Comments